pull the trigger

IT IS DONE!!!!

2009-03-23T07:27:00.000-07:00

The script for After is finally finished. So I am looking to start shooting in April. Locations are done, crew is put together, actors are decided. Some on the day revisions will most likely be done for dialogue. I am very excited about it. Look for it to be online in June sometime.

Spring break was fun. I got plenty of rest. I was bored somewhat but overall it was a great week.

I am looking to find my cats new homes, my dog has taken over my life so I am neglecting them. Plus it will be nice for my house not to smell like a toilet and to not hear them meow continually. And I am thinking about getting another dog as well, a boy, someone for Karis to play with. I already has his name picked out, Thor.

I am going to get my Master's degree in education. I will be in school for another year but when it is all said and done, I will make an additional $3000 a year. And plus it will look good on the resume. And it may open up more doors for me in the future.

God is great. I have never felt his presence the way that I feel him when at this church I have found. I almost broke out crying yesterday because I felt him all around me. I am not worthy of His grace and love but He loves me anyways.

Obsession leads to tragedy

2009-02-04T07:34:00.001-08:00

I am very upset with the way my life is going. I am alone. There are things that I would have thought I would have at this point in my life. But I don't. I have a great job that I love. I have a great car. I have a roof over my head and plenty of money to get me by in all the things that I would need. But something is missing. I know what is missing. I am actively looking for it. I am trying. When I try, I fail. I got this girl's number the other week. We talked a few times and made plans to have dinner. That got postponed. We were set to go out a week later. I called her the day of and she didn't answer the phone. I called three times. Nothing. And no call back either. I haven't yet gotten to talk to her, she better have a good excuse on why she didn't answer or call me back. If not whatever, as they say there are plenty more fish in the sea. I haven't found my fish yet. I am still fishing, and trying to reel them in. One will take, eventually. There are a couple of girls that I am crushing on. One of which just hit me last week. I thought she was cool but this week looking at her, has my mind changed. She is quite adorable. There is another that I have been crushing on for a month now. But since I have done something at my work place already, I just don't think it would be good to talk to her (the girl who didn't answer is working at my work for a bit). I just don't know. Things aren't going as planned. I have been saying the same prayer for 12 years now. I know that God is listening. I am human and am impatient. I want what I want now. But I have to wait.

Used and new

2009-01-08T05:55:00.000-08:00

I have started a new blog completely devoted to the production of my films. I will still blog here about other things going on in my personal life.

I am looking for a date. I am desperate. I can't seem to get a date to save my life. no one will say yes. I am doomed to be alone for forever. I am so alone. I want someone to love and someone to love me. I am 25 years old and have never had a real relationship. I am tired.

"Do the world a favor and slit your wrists."

It is only the beginning.

2008-09-12T11:45:00.000-07:00

Well, I got a teaching job. I teach art at Magnolia Elelmentary. I am loving it so far. A lot of my kids are great. There are several trouble makers, that I constantly have to get onto. But that is how it is. My day is 7 hours. I don't have to get up as early anymore. Six a.m. is quite comfortable. I am twenty minutes from work. So gas usage is nearly nothing.

I got a new car! 2003 Toyota Corolla. My car note is decent, but with the new job and making more money, it isn't that bad. I am also taking a class for licensure (teaching certification). Every Tuesday night 6-9. It seems like it is going to be a breeze.

Jason moved!!!

My new roommate is cool. He is barely ever here and when he is, he keeps to himself. Nothing at all to complain about with him. Seems like a good guy.

I go out to Adam's every weekend and spend the night. We hang. Hopefully my check is in the mail today so I can go and do some spending. But I need to save a lot cuz I won't be getting paid during the summer, so I will have to have money to live off of. But I am good with money, it won't be a problem.

Life is finally looking up. All I need now is a girl.

OMG!!!!! Did they just do that?!

2008-08-02T18:40:00.000-07:00

"Step Brothers" was insanely funny. It was so much more than I had expected. They did things that make you say, 'did they just do that?' It was amazing. I might go see it again tomorrow. It was well written, well improvised (most of the movie was). And for a comedy there a lot of great shots. It was great, definitely one to add to the dvd collection.

"Ruined" has hit another roadblock. I got over my previous one and was able to write another ten pages. But now I don't know where to go from this point. Like I have said, I know how it is going to end, I am just having trouble getting there. But I think if I give it a go, I will get there. I just haven't been that motivated.

Me and a friend from college who I see around the city here and there, are going to try and develop a web-magazine. It is going to be a sort of review magazine, talking on things like movies, music, games, books, etc. I think it will be an interesting venture. And we are going to try and make a little money doing it. We don't quite know what it is all going to be about or even how we would make money but we are to try it anyways. It should be very interesting.

A friend from Nashville came into town this weekend for a concert, Dave Matthews. We got together yesterday and today and hung out some. It had been a few years since we had seen each other. So it was awesome hanging out. Shooting the shit and so forth.

The weather for work is so miserable. I cannot stand it anymore. I want out so bad it isn't even funny. Getting up so early is/has gotten old. The non-usage of my degree is disappointing. I hate it.

And on this Saturday, August 2nd, I am all alone and bored out of my mind.

A new name, a new face.

2008-07-22T16:25:00.000-07:00

Well, my newest film has a new name and a new premise, even though it is still pretty much the same. It is called "Ruined" and it is about two lost souls (not just one) that have given up on love. Both Constantine and Millicent have recently been dumped by the loves of their lives. Now they have to go on in life not knowing where it is going to lead. Love has ruined them, has scarred them. But life (God) has a way of making things interesting.

After a year of growing my beard out, I have shaved it off. It has been more than a year and half since I had seen my face. I am going to grow it back though, I like me with a beard. But I am going to do something different with it and keep it more groomed.

I hope to see "Step Brothers" and "The Dark Knight" this weekend. It may sound weird but I am looking more forward to seeing "Brothers" than "Knight." I mean it looks good but I am not falling over to run out and see it. I know it will be good, Adam says it is the best movie he has seen, but all the hype has me kinda not wanting to see it. And I know "Brothers" will make me laugh...a lot.

And now I have said goodbye...

2008-07-13T20:02:00.000-07:00

I am currently working on a new film called "Out Of Nowhere." It is about a guy that has no hope of finding true love. He has recently been broken up with (its been over a year) and is finding it very hard to move on past the memories of his ex. He has lost all hope in life and love. Until one day, love finds him, out of nowhere. I have seem to hit a roadblock though. I know how it is going to end but I can not find the in between. Of course I have found inspiration from what has happened to me in my life and what has happened most recently. I am trying to incorporate things, situations, feelings from my life. Once I get it finished, I think it could be a very fine film.

Lord willing, I will be shooting "After" this fall. The season would serve well for the film. The cloudiness, the dead leaves, etc, since the film is about death. I look forward to the shoot. I need a new camera though, and is going to cost me around $2,400. I am starting to save up for it.

And I have said goodbye to my past. No looking back and no wondering what could have been. It is gone, and I have come to face that. My eyes are open to the future.

Waiting...

2008-07-08T17:47:00.000-07:00

I miss the way it felt. I miss the way she smiled. I miss the smell of her body. I miss the way my body seemed to engulf her. I miss that blonde hair. I miss that giddy laugh. I miss the touch of her fingers as she grabbed my hand. She was scared so she ran. And I was the happiest I had ever been. She ran away and I am left alone, waiting and searching for someone new to make me smile the way that she did. Waiting to give all of me to someone. I am waiting to be loved.

And wait I shall do.

Over and over in my head!

2008-05-27T17:29:00.000-07:00

Things have been a little strange and weird and monotonous lately.

I am still going for the teaching job, which I think I have been invited to the hiring fair on the 7th, so hopefully I walk away with a job, it'd be super cool.

I have asked two girls out, and from both getting "I have a boyfriend." There's a girl in Jonesboro that I am kinda crazy for, I want to ask her out but the distance thing is keeping from doing it. But I will, tomorrow if she is there (fingers crossed).

I have come up with a new movie idea, only the title has come to me and a glimpse of what it would be about. Called "Fast Forward," it would circle around a guy's life, moving in and out of time, meaning back and forth. The viewer would not know what or when everything was happening. It would not be completely know until the end of the film.

Two weeks till M. Night Shyamalan's The Happening comes out. For this I am very excited and anxious, more so than any other movie this year. I was very excited about Ironman and was thoroughly impressed. It was amazing. Speed Racer was awesome as well. Bright. Fast paced. The transitions were the best part. Definitely a must have in my dvd collection.

I plan to go home to St. Louis for the July 4th weekend. This I am both excited and reluctant about. Home just isn't home anymore. Everything has changed. Everyone has changed. But it will good to get away from here for a few days.

I am getting a tattoo in a few weeks. I can't wait.

For the love of God it has been way too long since I wrote something in this blog of mine!

2008-04-27T17:28:00.001-07:00

A lot has happened in the past few months since I wrote in this blog. Here we go:

First:
I am hopefully going to be a teacher for Memphis City Schools. I re-interviewed and was selected to be in the new teacher pool, which means if they have an opening and think I would be a good fit, they can offer me a job. This would mean better money, a better schedule, and I would be using my degree for something and not wasting it washing windows.

Second:
We have moved. We left the shithole that was/is the University Cabanas and now reside in the Galloway Gardens apartments. They are super nice. We got all moved in on Saturday. Took us 4.5 hours. And we are beat. Adam came out with his dad's truck so we could get all the big stuff. I took a couple loads a day in my car, all that I could fit in there. But now we have this great place, I love it.

Third and most importantly:
I met someone. And then got broken up with. About seven weeks ago I was doing this Payless store that I do once a month. The girl behind the counter, Desiree', started asking me all these questions and in the end she asked me out. We went out. I got a second date. About a week after that it was official, I had a girlfriend. Then a week after that she broke up with me. Too much "stuff" had come into her life and she thought it would be best to end things so she wouldn't drag me down. Whatever. We tried the friend thing for like three days. When we so weren't friends. She started holding my hand and touching me and all this stuff. It finally came down to her family or me or something. I put myself out there, pretty much giving me to her. She wanted me more than anything she said but clearly did not. If she wanted me then she would have found a way to do so. A week ago I said goodbye to her for forever. I thought she was perfect but have come to realize she was not and that she is a total trainwreck. And I am glad I got out. It was something that I had to go through. It was a learning experience, preparing me for the one God has for me. Now I am looking and waiting for happiness to come my way again. I want it desperately.

I am tired of this job of mine, all the driving is killing me. And the rising gas prices are a definite negative.

Ironman is coming out, so is The Happening, as well as The Hulk and also The dark Knight, and Speed Racer. Can't wait, it is going to be a good summer for film.

Things have been very interesting. High hopes for tomorrow. I thought I found something great but it wasn't meant to be. And I know that things will get better.

And then again, I don't know.

2008-02-12T16:56:00.000-08:00

Well is has been awhile.

I went for that storyboarding job. They offered it to me right on the spot but we are having an issue with agreeing on a price. I have to come up with a price for them. And each offer is too much for them. If I end up not doing it, I don't care. Because I would have to drop hours at my other job and be cornered to get it all done in a very short time. But I am hopeful.

So I have begun writing a new film called "After." It is about death and a kinda grim look at it. The protagonists are tortured. I am excited. And I am still waiting for approval on "Drive" by the Dodds. Which I hope to start shooting, when it gets a little warmer.

Work is work. We are getting a new employee this week, hopefully. Then my work will get a little lighter. Which I will very much like.

Jason got a job, an internship at a graphic design firm here in Memphis. So yay!!

I am going to get a new car, hopefully I will get enough back from my taxes. I also want to get a tattoo, pay on my loans and credit card. Get my cats fixed. Some dvds, and possibly a new video camera. Fingers crossed.

There's definitely something missing on Thursday nights.

2008-01-27T17:54:00.000-08:00

Lately I have been addicted to The Office (U.S. version). It has to be one of the greatest shows ever. It is written so well. Acted superbly. It is quirky, smart and just plain laugh out loud funny. I have to own each season. And with the writers' strike, we have no idea of when it'll return. I am sad.

So a few weeks ago I sent an email to an animation studio here in town about a job as a storyboard artist for a new film that they are producing. I got a reply on Friday. They want me to come in for an interview and to review my portfolio. I immediately got excited and started pulling out all my best work to show them in the interview. If I get the job, I will be able to work from home, which I would love to do. The gas is killing me.

Lost returns this week. I am so friggin' excited about this. It has been about 8/9 months since the season finale. I am anxious to see where they go now that they are getting off the island. Actually they already are, the season will explore how they got off. I can't wait. Smallville and Supernatural return as well.

Tomorrow should be a 7 hour day. But then the rest of the week will be 8 to 8 1/2 hour days. I hate this job.

In Review

2008-01-21T13:27:00.001-08:00

I have seen and watched many good things lately:

No Country For Old Men was amazing. Well written, very well acted. And directed perfectly.

There Will Be Blood was very interesting. It was two and a half hours of nothingness. Well acted. Well directed. The music was strange for the kind of movie that it was. But it was a very good movie.

Cloverfield. I have nothing but good things to say about it. Well acted. Well shot. And for having only a $40 million budget, well executed. The whole Blair Witch style of filming was well done. It was shaky at points (which at some theaters made patrons vomit), but that's what it is supposed to be. Its supposed to be like an everyday person shot it, documenting a birthday party. And the monster, was so awesome!

Wedding Daze was surprisingly very funny. And disturbing at times.

Sunshine was depressing and a little confusing, but I liked it.

Alien vs Predator. I actually liked it. I did not think that I would but I did. The action was good. And I am a big fan of the way both the predators and aliens look, their designs are awesome.

The Ten. Very strange. Disturbing. Pointless. But a good watch.

Dog Soldiers was awesome. Very low budget but not too cheesy.

Predator 2, a waste of time.

After my first viewing of Blades of Glory, I was very disappointed. But after viewing it again, I was mistaken. Very funny. Typical Will Ferrell.

I went and saw As I Lay Dying. They are by far the best live band I have ever seen. It was like listening to the CD. The opening acts (Still Remains, Evergreen Terrace, August Burns Red) were all amazing. Each band got better and better. Terrace was definitely a highlight of the evening. Can't wait to see them all again.

I am falling.

Miles away but you still seem to be here.

2008-01-10T17:14:00.001-08:00

Well this week has been long. And it was going to end on a good note, only a 6 1/2 hour day. But then the boss called up and put 3 more hours on the day. Now I won't be done til 3:30 (or later). The inconsistencies is why I am trying to get out of this job.

My cats are resourceful and resilient little things. They have figured out how to open the drawer in my desk and the top drawer of my dresser. Mavery is the one who does it. She goes in there to get at the rubber-bands I have in there, she loves them for some reason. They can also open my door from inside. I have moved their stuff into my room so they would no longer scratch at the door at night, keeping me and Jason up at night. But they still find thing to keep me up with.

Work was going to be so long on Monday, but I was able to bring Jason along with me. He saw firsthand how shitty my days are. But hell, I got him some money. We had to go to Jonesboro, AR and then to Paragould, AR. (another 25 miles out). Then had to drive back (two hours). I hate that part of my job.

Looking forward to this weekend. Not going to do a thing. Even though I never do.

I am anxious to get Drive going. I want to do it so bad. I am coming up with great shot ideas. I haven't made a real film in 2 years. And it is time. I plan on doing three this year. Christian Gale and In Between (which I haven't even written yet), are the names of the other two I plan on shooting. I am excited about the prospect of shooting more movies.

I feel very alone. I know I sound "emo" but I am. I haven't had a real relationship. I want intimacy. I want someone I can talk for hours with on the phone. I want someone to lay next to me at night and wake up to in the morning. I have many chances to change this with my job but I am too much of a chicken to do so. It is killing me. I am glad that I am away from St. Louis though because the two people that I have ever fallen in love with are there and they are both married now, one of which is pregnant. The other, I fucking hate her. She brings bad thoughts to my mind, I just want to smash her face into a curb.

But other than these things, life is...okay.

All of this is like an episode of...

2008-01-05T20:59:00.000-08:00

I experienced the two worst days that I have had to endure on this job this past week. It was freezing in the mornings on Wednesday and Thursday. So bad that the water started freezing on the glass. I had to use windshield wiper fluid to clean the windows. It was miserable. My fingers froze and still do, I can't seem to find a way to make them not. I wear two pairs of gloves on both hands, one of which is rubber gloves so that I can dip my hand in the water without freezing too bad. But it still doesn't help. For this reason alone, I am exploring new employment opportunities.

Went and saw Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story last night. It was freaking hilarious, I knew that it would be but it surpassed my expectations. John C. Reilly is a comedy god as of now. Also got Big Nothing and Predator from Netflix and both of which were amazing. I was surprised with Predator, I was expecting a cheesy 80s scfi/action film but it was so good. Arnold was great. And Big Nothing was so unexpectedly gory and really funny as well. It was good to see David Schwimmer do a role other than Ross. And Simon Pegg is good in anything he touches. He plays the roles so dead on. It was a delight. And he is going to be Scotty in the next Star Trek film.

If you know me then you know that I am the biggest Stargate Atlantis fan. I own every season on dvd and watch each new episode with excitement. I had high hopes for this new season and it has not let me down. They went in a direction that I was not too happy with (for it had been explored previously on Stargate SG1) but they took it in a whole other place. In doing so they pushed one of the main selling points of the show to the back ground for half of this and last season. But now that is back in the forefront and I am so pleased. I just wonder what new things are around the corner for the show. And now that they have been picked up for a fifth season, I have a whole lot more to look forward to.

Doctor Who is amazing. They had the Christmas Special on and it was very good, got me excited about the new season. David Tennant is an amazing actor.

Well as of right now, my brother is sitting in a plane heading for China. He is spending the semester studying at a school over there. He is going places in his life. He is smart and has a lot of motivation. I am jealous that he is able to study abroad. I hope he has an amazing time. I look forward to seeing pictures and hearing all about it. My mother is a bit of a mess. She never really sees him anyways but now that he is in a whole other country/continent, she is much more than before. God be with her and him.

Now to prepare for the coming week, which shouldn't be that bad.

Movies I've Watched In The Last Few Weeks:
The Heartbreak Kid
Death Sentence
Big Nothing
Predator
The Dark Is Rising
Feast of Love
American Pie: Beta House
American Pie: The Naked Mile
Evan Almighty
Stargate: The Ark of Truth
The Namesake
The Skulls
The Simpsons Movie
300
Walk Hard
I Am Legend
Scoop

Two a.m. and now I have dirt on my mind.

2008-01-01T13:44:00.000-08:00

So Happy New Year everyone. I have high hopes for this year:
1. Get out of the job I am presently working
2. Make several films, and write even more
3. Get a new video camera
4. Meet someone
5. Travel a little
- Just a few for now...

My new year didn't start out good today. I go to the laundry-room at the apt complex to do my laundry. I put my clothes in the washer, put the coins in and then leave. There was a group of black kids kinda hanging out. And as I left, they laughed at me (or maybe not at me). So I go back to put my clothes in the dryer. I open the washer and someone had thrown sand, rocks, dirt, leaves and other items all in on my clothes. And they must have done right after I had left because everything was down in there. Hence all over my clothes. I had to re-wash them. Now I don't know for sure if it was those kids but it can be said that it was. I was the only person's stuff to be messed with. Now I don't know if I was the only one that had stuff in the washers but when I put them in, there seemed to be a lot of washers running. So I officially hate black teenagers. Whatever.

Had a good time New Year's Eve. We went to a friends' house and I had a splendid time. It took me awhile to get awake (I had been up since 4:45am). But once we started playing some games, I came awake. And there was this beautiful girl there (even though she had a boyfriend and if she didn't I wouldn't have done anything anyways). But she was stunning. So that made the night much more enjoyable.

I am glad to have today off. I worked since last Thursday. So I needed a break.

All I have to do now is get through three long days and then I finally have a weekend, a real one. I am not looking forward to the remainder of this week. But I can get through it.

From today forever comes.

2007-12-28T17:53:00.000-08:00

So going into this week of work, I was expecting it to be hard. But the first two days have been semi-easy (only 8 hours) but the next two days will probably be around 9 hours. And yes, I have to work on Sunday. If what's his face hadn't quit, I would be only working tomorrow and had Sunday off but since he did, I am stuck with it all. But the good news is that the boss is putting our sales person to real work, she will be picking up washing windows two days a week. So I won't be stuck with it all. I am still looking for other employment. I just have to get to Monday so I can have Tuesday (the first) off.

I am going to write a book. For the past year I have been constructing story-lines in my head for my own "alien" mythology/story. So now I am going to put it all together as two or three books/large stories. I have a whole mess of character names and names for planets and so many twists in the story that it will make for a big read. I was originally planning on making it into a TV show or movies (which I may still one day do) but for now, it will serve as stories. The first book will be called Intelligence; Part One: The Beginning of the End.

I bought Heroes: Season One for $20 at Target, which is a total steal (it is normally $50). I also bought some pajama pants, which are very nice.

I haven't been sleeping well the last two nights. Tossing and turning all night long. Which makes for a bad day, washing windows in the cold and being tired are not a good combination.

I hate my life.

O Holy Night, The Days are passing quickly!!

2007-12-25T10:14:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas everyone! It has been good being home in St. Louis for a few days. Not having to think about work has been very nice. From my mom I got some slippers, a beanie and the movie Dude, Where's My Car. From my grandparents I got $25 (with which I bought The Simpson's Movie), and a hoodie. From my step-aunt and uncle I got a nice polo shirt. I bought myself a nice watch, a nicer one than I am used to buying, I spent $20 on it instead of ten. But Christmas isn't about what you get, its about what you do. I am never really in the Christmas spirit because it has turned into something that I hate. The commercialization of it has saddened me for some years now. Jesus and his sacrifice have totally been deleted from it, now it is all about what you get. It is nice to receive things but I wish that I could do more for my fellow man. Some day I will be able to.

And now about work: it is going to be bad. Three days of probably 10 or more hours, maybe. Hopefully not that bad. Adam will work tomorrow so that should take some of the strain off of me. And he plans on quitting soon, which I do not blame him in doing. The job sucks and he doesn't get any hours. Something more stable and consistent is what we both desire. I got a call from a teaching organization the other day. It'd be awesome if it panned out.

I got to thinking about what I am going to do with my tax return. I should get a good amount since I made several thousand dollars more than last year. Depending on how much I am able to get back, I am going to give a good portion towards loans. I am going to get a tattoo. And if there is left over, I want to get my new video camera. I will more than likely get the camera over the tat. I want good equipment. And I have given thought to my life. If I am unable to make it in Hollywood making movies, I will continue doing it for myself. Writing and directing and shooting for me. I love doing it. It is my passion. And in this new year, I plan on doing several, three to four films, maybe more. I just have to write more.

Some noise in my ear and some ink on my arm.

2007-12-20T16:34:00.000-08:00

I have re-discovered an awesome band. They are called A Plea For Purging (http://www.myspace.com/apleaforpurging). Great metal, very melodic, great solos.

Had a rough-ish day today. Eight hours of hell, not so bad but it started out bad because it was pouring and my feet were soaking wet all day. It was very unpleasant. And tomorrow is going to be longer now because my damn boss decided to load more work on me. When he knows that I am trying to get out of town.

Like I have said before, I am really looking forward to going home. I want to see my mommy and to see my friends, especially my boy Tom. He has had a hard year. Can't wait to see my brother. He is going to China for the semester. I hope to hang out with him as much as possible. Get to see my grandparents on Christmas Eve. My grandpa just got out of the hospital for having a minor stroke. Some of my step-relatives will be there as well. What I am not looking forward to is the four and a half hour drive. But I do have music, so it shouldn't be that bad.

I am getting a tattoo very soon. And then another and another and so on. I know of three that I want to get so far. I would like full sleeves but i won't go too crazy, jobs won't hire a tattooed freak.

OMG!!!!!

2007-12-19T15:56:00.001-08:00

Januaries and Disappointments.

2007-12-18T17:47:00.000-08:00

What would this blog be if I didn't complain about work for a second. But I won't too much today. Today was my short day and now I may have to do double work on Friday because I had to push some work from yesterday and go do another job. This job has really taken its toll.

Got some news I didn't want to hear the other day. News I have known for a few months, but now there is more to it. God I need someone.

Taking Back Sunday is awesome, at least their first album is awesome. I have heard every one of their albums but my fave is most definitely their first. As I Lay Dying is coming to the Daisy in January, I am most definitely getting on top of that.

Lost is coming back on January 31st. This has probably been one of the most anticipated returns for me (besides Atlantis and Doctor Who). And I just watched the preview for the next season (allbeit it'll be a short one) and it looks awesome. I cannot wait.

Lyrics time:
from a hospital room, my life is truly done

the perfection of beauty, is now mother to a little girl
and now everything i wanted is truly out of reach
for in nine months salvation will come as a new life
and what i thought was love has truly become lust

in the eyes of a new beginning she chose to leave me behind

desire has become something i once thought i had
the sparkle of her brown eyes became embedded on my heart
and from nothing i became what i am now
but the curves of her body will attest to what beauty is

if only i had said the words i wanted to say (i love you)
maybe she'd be having my child and not his
but for what its worth everything happens for a reason
she was meant to find him and i was meant to be alone

why am i such a pathetic mess of an empty shell

If only I could get out of this....

2007-12-16T15:11:00.000-08:00

I woke up yesterday at 10:30 am (I have been getting up at that time for like a few months now on Saturdays because I no longer stay up 'til 2am the night before because I can't, way too tired). Got up and watched some TV. Then me and Jason went to IHOP, my stomach had been growling since 12 am the previous night. The food was amazing (strawberry banana pancakes). Then we came home.

Watched a few movies to pass the time 'til we met Adam at the movies to see I Am Legend. It was very good. It was different, quiet. Suspenseful. Tense. But the CGI was pretty bad in places. But the movie overall was very entertaining and good, I jumped a few times. And apparently it was the best December opening of all time. That crapfest Alvin and the Chimpmunks was number two, urgh.

This week is going to be a bad one. The boss keeps piling the work on as he takes off to camp in the mountains for a few days. But the good thing is, I get a break for five days. I just have to get through the week. And on a different note, I am seriously thinking about quitting working for this guy and going out and working for myself. If me and Adam did it together, we could work way less and make more money. But I just don't think I want to do this anymore, I know I don't want to do this anymore.

New DVDs:
Meet The Robinsons
Children of Men
Scoop
Wild Hogs
Next

AWESOMENESS!!!!

2007-12-13T17:21:00.001-08:00

There and back again and then there again.

2007-12-12T16:06:00.000-08:00

Well Drive is near complete. It may still need some tinkering but as of right now, I think it is good. I went back and made it actually be about something, instead of it being a movie where three friends are driving around talking. Now there is a reason why they are doing this.

I know I complain about work a lot but it is getting ridiculous. I mean the boss moved payday to Tuesdays and now he can't even stick to that, I won't be paid until tomorrow. He sends the checks through the mail when he could easily just give us our money when he sees us, he saw me last Friday and this Monday. I am getting tired of this crap. I need out, and I am trying to (if Adam would just pick me up an application).

Excited, getting new DVDs tomorrow. Some I have been waiting to find for cheap at Blockbuster. And they are having a sale, 50% off used DVDs. Good news for me.

Can't wait 'til next Friday, so I can go home to St. Louis for five days. Need a break from Memphis, and my cats being in heat every week.

Done and almost did in.

2007-12-05T15:09:00.000-08:00

So my new film, now just called Drive is done...I think. I feel like it is at least. I think it may need something more but I don't know what. With the exceptions of The Letter, I am actually taking the script process very seriously. With Letter I didn't even have a script. We made up the dialogue up as we went. And I didn't have a real notion of what each character was to do. I had storyboards and I went off of that. With each new film I write, I have a clear idea of what is going to be said and also done. Leaves no guessing. Of course we can change things as we go but to have a good concrete thing to go off of to begin with is very helpful.

I almost died today. Friggin' truck drivers piss me off. I was coming to an intersection and there was a semi next to me a little ahead in the left lane. Without warning (blinkers) he decided to make a right turn. I had no time to stop, I was on his side. Thankfully he saw and stopped, I sped by and quickly made a right. All I remember thinking is "There goes my car." Thank God the guy stopped.

I cannot wait for this weekend. This week has been long so far and the next two days look like they will be as well. But my boss is dropping out of school so maybe he will actually do some work. And I can't wait to say goodbye to this job.

Nothing happened.

2007-12-01T20:35:00.000-08:00

So I have rediscovered Further Seems Forever. They are amazing. Too bad I never got to see 'em when Chris was in the band, I woulda loved to have been at the reunion show. Sounds like an amazing show.

Didn't write a lick more on Drive. Still trying to come up with the ending, I don't quite know how I want it to end. Usually I have a beginning and an end, and all I have to do is fill in all of the in between. But with this being a comedy, I don't know what I want to happen. I don't know if I want the guys to have some great realization or it just be about two guys going to pick up a friend and all that two guys would talk about to pass the time. But I will come up with all I need.

I watched In The Land of Women. It was very depressing. It was very different, had a peculiar pace to it. But Adam Brody is a good actor, I love his style. Also watched Alien last night. It was, well I didn't like it very much. Again, its pacing was strange. It also had a lot of bad cuts (not to say I could do any better but...). And the acting was pretty bad. But I think that the alien design is one of the best I have seen. Very distinguishable amongst all others.

Bought some new shoes, going to have a pair to work in and a pair to go out in. Now I sound like a chick.

And another one.

2007-11-29T17:23:00.000-08:00

Well last night I got a new idea for a film and I just started writing. And now I'm up to 11 pages. Its really about nothing. Two guys in a car and the discussions they would get into. Tentatively titled Shut Up And Drive, it is really different from anything I have attempted to write, its actually a comedy. Or at least some aspects are humorous. It may be boring to some but I like those kinds of films, with a lot of clever dialogue. Some of which I think is clever. More creative than my previous writings.

I also came up with another idea for a film, which I started writing on but haven't touched in a few days. It seems that I have been extra creative lately, coming up with movie ideas, TV shows, etc. I like it.

Thank God tomorrow is Friday. I want my weekend, even though this week flew by. And in three weeks I get to go home to St. Louis, which I am actually looking forward to.

From ranting to listing.

2007-11-26T16:25:00.000-08:00

Its been a couple weeks (I think). Nothing much ever happens to me. I am growing very very very tired of this job. I am anxious and I want out. I am tired of having to get up at 5 in the morning to wash windows. I am tired of not doing anything with my damn degree.

Christmas is in a few weeks, going to go home, which I am actually looking forward to. I want to get out of this city for a few days.

Dethklok is freakin' amazing. I bought the CD (actually bought it for Adam, he'll pay me back). And they are friggin' sweet. Being a joke band, they are so good. Very metal. Death Metal is for winners!

Movies I've seen/watched in the past two weeks:
Hitman
Live Free Or Die Hard
Ocean's 13
Trust The Man
Meet The Robinsons
War of the Worlds
Independence Day
The Island
Knocked Up
The Proposition

Things I've done in the past two weeks:
-Went to work
-Watched a lot of movies
-Had a job interview
-Worried about my path
-Applied to several places via email
-Ate
-Bought dvds

With every intention of ending my life.

2007-11-15T16:52:00.000-08:00

Well...

The interview was yesterday. It went, well, okay. It was weird. Instead of asking about previous work stuff, they asked me what I would do in class if a certain situation arose. Very strange. But the chances of me getting a job is slim, there are only 2 positions open right now. But I am hopeful. I did apply to some places online today, hopefully they contact me. I want out...of this job. I can't take it anymore.

My brakes went out on my car. Well not all they way. I have to push REALLY hard to get the damn car to stop. I went to the mechanic and he said that the wheel seal is broken, so I am getting it fixed tomorrow.

But I am going to have to get picked up for work, dammit!

The next issue of The Armory Wars came out, can't wait to get my hands on that. If I had time (which I do) I would do my own comic, it'd be awesome.

Tomorrow is going to be awkward.

She said yes when she shoulda said no!

2007-11-11T13:17:00.000-08:00

And so it is over. The waiting that is. She said no. Not interested. Which I kinda saw coming, her being a single mother and all. Whatever. I will move on. Not going to let this drag me down. There are plenty more. The obsession is over.

I watched "Magnolia" for the first time yesterday. It was really good, long but really good. So was "Reservoir Dogs." Tarantino's first, and you can definitely tell that is was Tarantino.

My interview is on Wednesday. I am praying and hoping that it goes well. I want to put this job in my past. I am so tired of wasting my life with washing windows.

What an interesting last few days. Excitement. Disappointment. Realization.

The Waiting Game

2007-11-08T15:51:00.000-08:00

I know no one reads this but I do it for my own self amusement and to get thoughts out.

Spent all today with her. She is beautiful. Not supermodel pretty but girl next door pretty. I like her...a lot. Gotta ask her tomorrow when we are going out. She did say she had to check her schedule. I am going crazy over this girl. I haven't felt this way in a very long time. It feels new, fresh and it is very exciting. Now all I have to do is prepare for the date...which I have never been on!

Been a semi-busy week. More than usual. And we pushed some stuff til next week which I do not like. Because it'll make next week longer.

I have my interview on Wednesday. I am praying and hoping that it goes well. I want this so bad. I need it. I am tired of doing nothing with my life. I have been unhappy for a very long time.

I want to take chances and calling Chandra (that's her name) up and asking her out is a very big chance. She said yes when she coulda said no! I just wish now that I knew when. This waiting is killing me. I just want it.

I want to get on in life, tired of being a pussy all the goddamn time. I need to take more chances and with this interview and prospect of a date, I am. I am very happy with myself for getting the balls and doing it. I talk and talk but never do anything about it. And now I did. Adam was surprised as well. I can't stop thinking about her. I haven't crushed this hard in a very long time, if ever.

Looking back on my past i think that I was never in love. I think I was in love with the idea of being in love. The girls I have had "feelings" for were so wrong for me. But because I was so desperate and longing for love, I thought I was. The two are now married and moving on. One I hate. One I care about but for me, will never have a "relationship/friendship" with. It would be too easy for me to hold on and to hold onto St. Louis. The city is not my future, it is my past. I am leaving it behind me. I loved it for what it was and my family and friends are still back there but I have no role in St. Louis. I can taste new air. I am looking forward to life in the future. I just hope it comes.

And I hope we happen soon.

And I did it!

2007-11-01T16:36:00.000-07:00

So its been a few days.

Work has been good this week. It was my easy week. Next week is going to be a duzy though. We gotta clean this medium sized hospital/clinic. I am not looking forward to it.

Bought some new comics today: Supernatural Origins #6 and Sinbad: Rogue of Mars #1.

I went and saw Dead To Fall Monday night. They were...awful. I mean, they are an amazing band but the sound guy did not know how to do sound. Venues like that always have idiots for soundguys. The first time I saw them live they were amazing and they played in some guy's basement. There's always next time. I did buy an awesome shirt though.

And I did it. I got up the nerve and dialed the number. Asked her out.

Way too much.

2007-10-27T22:38:00.000-07:00

So today was eventful:

I got woken up at 10:30am (I usually don't get up until 12) by my bos to pick up my check. I went and picked it up from his wife.

I then came home and watched the newest episode of Stargate Atlantis.

Then me and Jason went to IHOP for food. I got the pancake platter: three cakes, four sausage links. And two eggs. Yum!

We then went to U Pull It so I could find the two lenses I need for my car, so it'll pass inspection. Got home, put one of them on.

Then we went to Target to get an FM Transmitter for my car (so I can play a CD player through the radio). They didn't have one so we went to BestBuy and got one ($9.00). Got batteries (AA's and AAA's). I also picked up "Sideways" at Target ($5.50). I like that film a lot.

I also bought "Twister" the other day ($5.00). Also got a new hoodie and some new socks.

I spent a lot of money this past week.

She's still on my mind.

No more rain.

2007-10-26T16:27:00.000-07:00

Well not completely. It rained a little today. But all in all it was a good day.

I've been trying to get my car to pass inspection so I can get TN plates and be official here. And they are being so picky. I went and got new brakes to fixed the emergency brake. I went and got a new windshield. Now I gotta go and get some new front lenses. Jeez!

I have an interview set for Nov. 14th. I have a good feeling about this. I want it so bad. I am getting tired of washing windows and making crap money. Its not too bad but I need more. With teaching, I'd make 38k a year. That's more than enough.

She has me tongue-tied. No words can escpae. Her card in my hand. All I gotta do is dial that number.

It all came tumbling and tumbling down

2007-10-24T15:06:00.001-07:00

It rained...again!

So I am looking into becoming a teacher. It is something I think I could do well. And the money isn't bad either. Trying to get an interview in November. It'd be a schedule that I would prefer. No more working out in the cold and rain. And I could make a difference in kids' lives. Keep your fingers crossed.

Read The Armory Wars. Its a really good series of comics. It is done by Claudio Sanchez (singer for Coheed and Cambria). Its science fiction. Amazing illustration. Awesomness. Also, The Umbrella Academy, done by Gerard Way of My Chemical Romance, is really good.

Party hard.

It all came tumbling down

2007-10-23T12:52:00.000-07:00

What a day. Dreary. Rainy. Cloudy. Cold. Wet. Needless to say, it sucked working in the rain today. But I got it done.

I discovered an amazing band: Schoolyard Heroes. They are what I would call spook rock. Kinda Manson meets punk meets metal. They are awesome. Each song is better than the one before it. I loved them after just one listen that I downloaded their cd from iTunes.

Heroes, what can I say. This show keeps getting better and better. And this season has a very dark overture about it. All the storylines are all mysterious and dark. If you don't watch, start now.

It all came down.

2007-10-22T13:05:00.000-07:00

It rained all day long today. I wash windows for a living so I am forced to be among the elements. So I was in the rain today, not cleaning directly in the rain but close enough. I had to walk from my car to each place, and there I got wet. I hate the rain...when I have to be out in it.

The wheels are still spinning with In Between. I know the first scene and how I want to end it, I just need all of the in between (no pun intended). I am very excited about this one. That's not to say that I am not excited about the prospect of each new script but this one is different. It is so different from everything else I have written. And I think I will actually say something through this film.

Long next three days at work, 8.5 to 9 hrs each day. Not looking forward to ti at all but then comes next week...my easy week!!

From now on...

2007-10-21T16:03:00.000-07:00

Well I am new to blogspot.

and this whats I have to say for now...

While going to the bathroom the other night, I had a brainstorm and came up with a new film idea. I have been thinking about it for the last three days. I am very excited.

Story synopsis:

The love of Lester Grant's life has died. And in a suicide attempt, he learns what life would be like for the people who love him would be without him. Through flashbacks and the help of Michael (his guide) he sees just how much he influences the people around him. And is given the choice to either give into death or live, for a second chance to make things right.

Tell me what you think!!